Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
