I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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