my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
