batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
