He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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