Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think a kid would responsible me up
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
