Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
