Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
