The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
