I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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