So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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