No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
