Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
