i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
