My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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