She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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