There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
