If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
