I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
