absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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