i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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