Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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