You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
