her vagina looked like bernie madoff
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
