are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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