There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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