Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
