call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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