Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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