we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize