He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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