My balls are so social today.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
