he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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