my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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