he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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