he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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