i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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