Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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