I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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