yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
