if you like me you must not know who I am
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
cat food counts as protein by the way
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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