dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
