everyone is single if you try hard enough
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Randomize
