Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
