my phone needs a breathalizer
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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