If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
