ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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