I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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