Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
