I could make wine with my vomit
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
